<p style="text-indent:10pt;"><span style="font-weight:bold;font-size:11pt;">읽지 마시오</span><span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;font-weight:bold;font-size:11pt;">!</span></p> <p style="text-indent:10pt;"> </p><p></p> <p style="text-indent:10pt;"> </p><p></p> <p style="text-indent:10pt;">숨을 들이 마신다<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">. </span>숨을 내쉰다<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">. </span>들이 마신다<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">. </span>내쉰다<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">. </span>마신다<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">. </span>내쉰다<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">. </span>마신다<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">. </span>내쉰다<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">.</span></p> <p style="text-indent:10pt;">오늘은 꽃가루 때문인지 왼쪽 콧구멍이 조금 막힌다<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">. </span>마신다<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">. </span>내쉰다<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">. </span>코만으로 숨쉬는 것이 조금 버겁다<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">. </span>입으로 한 번 숨을 쉬자<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">. </span>입으로 마신다<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">. </span>내쉰다<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">. </span>한번 더 입으로 마신다<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">. </span>내쉰다<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">.</span></p> <p style="text-indent:10pt;"> </p><p></p> <p style="text-indent:10pt;">숨을 쉬는 일에 <span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">‘</span>자 지금부터 숨을 들이마시고 내쉬어야 겠다<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">’</span>라고 의식하면서 호흡을 한다면 어떨까<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">? </span>며칠 걸리지 않아 간단하게 정신병자 되기 딱 좋은 방법이다<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">.</span></p> <p style="text-indent:10pt;"> </p><p></p> <p style="text-indent:10pt;">그리고 나는 호흡 하나하나를 의식하면서 숨을 쉬기 시작한지 이틀째다<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">. </span>나는 지금 정신줄을 놓기 일보 직전이다<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">.</span></p> <p style="text-indent:10pt;"> </p><p></p> <p style="text-indent:10pt;"><span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">‘</span>읽지 마시오<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">!’</span></p> <p style="text-indent:10pt;">유머글이 올라오는 사이트에 한 게시물 제목<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">. </span>아주 조잡한 낚시글이라고 생각했다<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">. </span>조회수도 형편없었다<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">. </span>평소라면 나도 관심 없었을 것이다<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">. </span>하지만 그날 왜 하필이면 한가했을까<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">? </span>아무런 기대도 하지 않고<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">, </span>바로 백스페이스를 누를 준비를 하면서 그 게시물을 열었다<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">.</span></p> <p style="text-indent:10pt;"> </p><p></p> <p style="text-indent:10pt;">대 여섯 줄의 짧은 글<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">. </span>호흡기관에 대한 간단한 설명과 질식사에 대한 사진이 첨부되어 있었다<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">.</span></p> <p style="text-indent:10pt;">숨을 쉬지 않으면 죽는 다는 당연한 소리<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">. </span>질식은 굉장히 괴롭다는 나도 알고 있는 이야기<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">. </span>숨을 들이마시는 호흡 하나하나 바로 생명이라는 뻔한 내용이었다<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">.</span></p> <p style="text-indent:10pt;">시큰둥하게 백스페이스를 누르고 다른 게시물을 찾으며 나는 느끼기 시작했다<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">. </span>내 들숨과 날숨을<span style="letter-spacing:0pt;">……</span><span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">.</span></p> <p style="text-indent:10pt;"> </p><p></p> <p style="text-indent:10pt;">공기를 마셔야 해<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">. </span>안그러면 죽어<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">. </span>그만 그만 너무 많이 마셨어<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">! </span>이제 내뱉자<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">. </span>후우<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">~. </span>자 다시 천천히 들이마셔<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">. </span>이놈의 비염 지겹네<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">. </span>자꾸 입으로 숨 쉬게 되<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">. </span>자 들이마시고<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">, </span>내쉬고<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">, </span>들이마시고<span style="letter-spacing:0pt;">……</span><span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">.</span></p> <p style="text-indent:10pt;"> </p><p></p> <p style="text-indent:10pt;">답답하다<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">. </span>호흡전부를 느끼며 숨을 쉬고 있자니 오히려 더 숨이 막힌다<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">. </span>숨이 막히니 숨 쉬는 데 더 신경이 쓰인다<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">. </span>다른 생각을 하기위해<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">, </span>이전처럼 무의식적으로 호흡을 하기 위해 <span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">TV</span>를 켜고<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">, </span>영화를 틀고<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">, </span>책을 읽고<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">, </span>운동을 하고 별 수작을 다부려 봤지만 소용이 없다<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">.</span></p> <p style="text-indent:10pt;"> </p><p></p> <p style="text-indent:10pt;">마셔라<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">. </span>내쉬어라<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">. </span>마셔라<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">. </span>내쉬어라<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">.</span></p> <p style="text-indent:10pt;">갈수록 악화되고 있다<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">.</span></p> <p style="text-indent:10pt;"> </p><p></p> <p style="text-indent:10pt;">사람은 항상 같은 속도로 숨을 쉬는 것이 아니었다<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">. </span>아무 일도 안하고 가만히 누워만 있는 데도 숨 쉬는 주기는 계속 달라진다<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">. </span>중간 중간 큰 호흡을 한번 씩 쉬어주지 않으면 답답해서 견딜 수가 없다<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">. </span>그 큰 호흡을 너무 의식하다보니 큰 호흡의 주기가 점점 짧아진다<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">. </span>이제는 일곱 번에 한번 큰 호흡을 쉬어주지 않으면 아랫도리가 저릿저릿해질 정도로 가슴이 답답하다<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">.</span></p> <p style="text-indent:10pt;"> </p><p></p> <p style="text-indent:10pt;">마셔<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">. </span>내쉬어<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">. </span>마셔<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">. </span>내쉬어<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">. </span>마셔<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">. </span>내쉬어<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">. </span>크게 마셔<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">. </span>크게 내쉬어<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">. </span>그래도 답답해<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">. </span>다시 한번 크게 마셔<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">. </span>크게 내쉬어<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">.</span></p> <p style="text-indent:10pt;"> </p><p></p> <p style="text-indent:10pt;"><span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">10</span>초에 여섯 번 정도가 가장 편하다<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">.</span></p> <p style="text-indent:10pt;">스읍<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">, </span>하아<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">, </span>하나<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">!</span></p> <p style="text-indent:10pt;">스읍<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">, </span>하아<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">, </span>둘<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">!</span></p> <p style="text-indent:10pt;">스읍<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">, </span>하아<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">, </span>셋<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">!</span></p> <p style="text-indent:10pt;">스읍<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">, </span>하아<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">, </span>넷<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">!</span></p> <p style="text-indent:10pt;">스읍<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">, </span>하아<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">, </span>다섯<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">!</span></p> <p style="text-indent:10pt;">스읍<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">, </span>하아<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">, </span>여섯<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">!</span></p> <p style="text-indent:10pt;">다시 처음부터<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">.</span></p> <p style="text-indent:10pt;"> </p><p></p> <p style="text-indent:10pt;">그렇지만 고작 <span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">1</span>분도 지나지 않아 다시 숨을 헐떡이게 된다<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">. </span>목을 잡아 뜯고 싶다<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">. </span>잠이 들면 편해질까 싶어 눈을 감고 누웠다<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">. </span>하지만 내가 호흡하는 소리가<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">, </span>마치 내 귀에서 돌개바람이 휘몰아치는 것처럼 들렸다<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">. </span>음악을 켰다<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">. </span>빠른 비트와 격렬한 연주가 동반되는 음악이었지만<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">, </span>내 숨소리는 락그룹 보컬이 혼을 실은 목소리도 뚫고 내 머릿속으로 파고들었다<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">.</span></p> <p style="text-indent:10pt;"> </p><p></p> <p style="text-indent:10pt;">스읍<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">, </span>하아<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">, </span>스읍<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">, </span>하아<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">, </span>스읍<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">, </span>하아<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">, </span>스읍<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">, </span>하아<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">, </span>스읍<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">, </span>하아<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">, </span>스읍<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">, </span>하아<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">, </span>스읍<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">, </span>하아<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">, </span>스읍<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">, </span>하아<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">, </span>허억<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">! </span>헉<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">, </span>헉<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">, </span>헉<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">, </span>헉<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">!</span></p> <p style="text-indent:10pt;"> </p><p></p> <p style="text-indent:10pt;">집 밖으로 뛰쳐나왔다<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">. </span>그리고 죽을힘을 다해 달렸다<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">. </span>족히 <span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">1km</span>는 달렸을 것이다<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">. </span>이정도 뛰었다면 내 몸은 반사적으로 숨을 헐떡이며 숨을 쉬어야한다<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">. </span>허파가 뒤집어 질 것처럼 심호흡했다<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">.</span></p> <p style="text-indent:10pt;"> </p><p></p> <p style="text-indent:10pt;">두 번<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">! </span>고작 두 번 반사적으로 호흡하고 나머지 호흡은 하나하나 조절해야 했다<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">. </span>목구멍이 찢어질 듯이 헐떡거리는 호흡을 신경써야 하는 상황은 사람을 간단하게 지옥으로 끌고 들어간다<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">.</span></p> <p style="text-indent:10pt;"> </p><p></p> <p style="text-indent:10pt;"><span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">‘</span>이대로 죽자<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">.’</span></p> <p style="text-indent:10pt;"> </p><p></p> <p style="text-indent:10pt;">나는 목을 움켜쥐었다<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">. </span>남은 평생 이렇게 불편한 호흡 속에서 살아야 한다면<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">, </span>자살은 차라리 현명한 선택인지도 모른다<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">. </span>내 손에 충분한 힘이 남아있었으면 나는 그 자리에서 죽었을 것이다<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">.</span></p> <p style="text-indent:10pt;">하지만 내 손아귀의 힘보다 생을 향한 욕망이 조금 더 강했다<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">. </span>나는 여전히 불편한 호흡을 조절하며 차가운 골목길바닥에 길게 누워 있었다<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">. </span>아직도 숨이 가쁘다<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">. </span>좀 더 적극적인 호흡조절이 필요 했다<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">. </span>나는 숨을 내쉴 때 마다 가볍게 가슴을 두드리며 내 호흡을 의식하고 조절했다<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">. </span>뜻밖에도 내 호흡에 주기적인 움직임을 더해주니 숨을 쉬기 훨씬 편해졌다<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">.</span></p> <p style="text-indent:10pt;"> </p><p></p> <p style="text-indent:10pt;">지저분한 콘크리트 바닥에 뒤통수를 단단히 기대고<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">, </span>내 허파와 주먹의 움직임에 집중했다<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">. </span>편해졌다<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">. </span>저절로 눈이 감긴다<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">. </span>잘하면 이대로 잠들 수도 있을 것 같다<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">. </span>지금이 <span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">4</span>월 이라는 것은 큰 문제가 아니다<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">. </span>그런데 이상한 소음이 나의 안면을 방해했다<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">.</span></p> <p style="text-indent:10pt;"> </p><p></p> <p style="text-indent:10pt;"><span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">“</span>왼발<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">, </span>오른발<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">, </span>왼발<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">, </span>오른발<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">, </span>왼발<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">, </span>오른발<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">, </span>왼발<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">, </span>오른발<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">, </span>왼발<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">, </span>오른발<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">, </span>왼발<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">, </span>오른발<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">.”</span></p> <p style="text-indent:10pt;"> </p><p></p> <p style="text-indent:10pt;">눈을 떴다<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">. </span>입고 있는 투피스가 조금 낙낙한 느낌의 젊은 여자가 이상한 소리를 지껄이며 걸어오고 있었다<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">. </span>여자는 스커트를 입고 내 곁을 지나가면서도<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">, </span>바닥에 누워있는 나를 조금도 신경 쓰지 않고 큰 보폭으로 걸었다<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">. </span>하얀색이다<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">!</span></p> <p style="text-indent:10pt;"> </p><p></p> <p style="text-indent:10pt;"><span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">“</span>왼발<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">, </span>오른발<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">, </span>왼발<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">, </span>오른발<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">, </span>왼발<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">, </span>오른발<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">.”</span></p> <p style="text-indent:10pt;"> </p><p></p> <p style="text-indent:10pt;">여자는 자신의 구령에 맞춰 발을 움직이며 걷고 있었다<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">. </span>감이 왔다<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">. </span>저 여자는 내 호흡처럼<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">, </span>자신의 걸음걸이를 하나하나 의식하는 중일 것이다<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">. </span>확인해 볼까<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">?</span></p> <p style="text-indent:10pt;"> </p><p></p> <p style="text-indent:10pt;"><span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">“</span>왼발<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">, </span>오른발<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">, </span>왼발<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">, </span>오른발<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">.”</span></p> <p style="text-indent:10pt;"><span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">“</span>오른발<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">!”</span></p> <p style="text-indent:10pt;"> </p><p></p> <p style="text-indent:10pt;">소리에 맞춰서 다리를 움직이고 있던 여자는 내가 갑자기 질러댄 소리에<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">, </span>왼발을 내밀어야 할 타이밍에 다시 오른발을 내밀고 말았다<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">. </span>그리고 조금 전 나에게 힐끗 보여 줬던 하얀색을<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">, </span>이번에는 아주 적나라하게 내보이며 앞으로 고꾸라졌다<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">. </span>아<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">! </span>하얀색이 아니라 연한 하늘색이었네<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">.</span></p> <p style="text-indent:10pt;"> </p><p></p> <p style="text-indent:10pt;"><span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">“</span>뭐<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">, </span>뭐야<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">?”</span></p> <p style="text-indent:10pt;"> </p><p></p> <p style="text-indent:10pt;">여자는 황급히 뒤집어진 스커트를 추스르며 내 쪽을 노려보았다<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">.</span></p> <p style="text-indent:10pt;">가관이었을 것이다<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">. </span>땀투성이<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">, </span>흙투성이<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">, </span>시뻘겋게 달아오른 얼굴<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">, </span>거칠게 헐떡이는 숨소리<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">, </span>호흡에 맞춰 가슴을 두드리는 주먹<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">. </span>누가 봐도 어엿한 변태 정신병자였다<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">. </span>하지만 여자는 내 헐떡거림과 손동작을 주의 깊게 살펴보더니<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">, </span>혐오감을 보이며 달아나는 대신<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">, </span>몸을 일으켜 나에게 걸어왔다<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">.</span></p> <p style="text-indent:10pt;"> </p><p></p> <p style="text-indent:10pt;"><span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">“</span>왼발<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">, </span>오른발<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">, </span>왼발<span style="letter-spacing:0pt;">……</span><span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">.”</span></p> <p style="text-indent:10pt;"> </p><p></p> <p style="text-indent:10pt;">잠시 나를 향해 걷던 여자는 가슴을 치는 내 손동작을 주의 깊게 보더니 보행의 방법을 바꾸었다<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">. </span>다리가 움직이기 전에 양손으로 자신의 허벅지를 툭툭 치기 시작했다<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">. </span>말하자면 손으로 툭치는 신호를 주는 것으로 자신의 다리가 움직이도록 의식하는 명령을 내리는 것이다<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">.</span></p> <p style="text-indent:10pt;"> </p><p></p> <p style="text-indent:10pt;"><span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">“</span>말로 하는 것보다 감촉으로 신호를 주는 것이 훨씬 편하네요<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">. </span>고마워요<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">.”</span></p> <p style="text-indent:10pt;"> </p><p></p> <p style="text-indent:10pt;">신호를 주면서 의식하지 않으면 숨을 못 쉬는 남자와<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">, </span>걷지 못하는 여자가 만났다<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">. </span>짧고 이상한 로맨스가 펼쳐질까<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">?</span></p> <p style="text-indent:10pt;">아니었다<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">. </span>그녀는 몸을 획 돌려<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">, </span>마지막으로 연한 하늘색의 끝자락을 살짝 보여주고 제 갈 길을 가버렸다<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">.</span></p> <p style="text-indent:10pt;"> </p><p></p> <p style="text-indent:10pt;"><span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">‘</span>감촉의 신호가 훨씬 편하네요<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">.’</span></p> <p style="text-indent:10pt;"> </p><p></p> <p style="text-indent:10pt;">나는 여자의 충고를 주의 깊게 시도했다<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">. </span>정말이다<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">. </span>허파와 횡경막의 움직임은 대단히 의식해야 조절이 가능하지만<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">, </span>손의 움직임은 무의식적으로 움직이는 것이 가능했다<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">. </span>당신역시 <span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">‘</span>자 지금부터 왼팔을 움직여야 겠다<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">’</span>라고 의식하며 팔을 움직이지는 않을 것이다<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">.</span></p> <p style="text-indent:10pt;"> </p><p></p> <p style="text-indent:10pt;">천천히 그리고 주의 깊게 손을 움직였다<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">. </span>호흡이 안정되어 간다<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">. </span>특별히 신경쓰지 않고 움직이는 손의 움직임에 호흡이 맞춰간다<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">. </span>좋아<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">. </span>차라리 이대로 잠드는 것이 어떨까<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">?</span></p> <p style="text-indent:10pt;">내 몸 중 반드시 의식해야 움직이는 곳은 호흡기관뿐이다<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">. </span>다른 신체기관을 적절히 사용하다면 살아남을 수 있다는 희망이 생긴다<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">.</span></p> <p style="text-indent:10pt;"> </p><p></p> <p style="text-indent:10pt;">그런데<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">, </span>만약에 손의 움직임도 의식하게 된다면<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">!</span></p> <p style="text-indent:10pt;"> </p><p></p> <p style="text-indent:10pt;">숨이 막혔다<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">. </span>눈을 떠보니 내 손이 움직이지 않고 있다<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">. </span>당연히 숨도 쉬지 않고 있다<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">.</span></p> <p style="text-indent:10pt;"> </p><p></p> <p style="text-indent:10pt;">마셔<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">. </span>내쉬어<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">. </span>마셔<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">. </span>내쉬어<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">. </span>마셔<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">. </span>내쉬어<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">. </span>크게 마셔<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">. </span>크게 내쉬어<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">!</span></p> <p style="text-indent:10pt;"> </p><p></p> <p style="text-indent:10pt;">죽을 뻔했어<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">! </span>팔이 움직이지 않는다<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">. </span>설마<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">?</span></p> <p style="text-indent:10pt;">오른 팔을 들어 올리자고 주의 깊게 의식했다<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">. </span>오른팔이 올라간다<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">. </span>그런데 잠시 의식이 오른팔로 옮겨간 사이 다시 숨이 멎었다<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">.</span></p> <p style="text-indent:10pt;"> </p><p></p> <p style="text-indent:10pt;">마셔<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">. </span>내쉬어<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">. </span>마셔<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">. </span>내쉬어<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">.</span></p> <p style="text-indent:10pt;"> </p><p></p> <p style="text-indent:10pt;">죽을 뻔 했어<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">! </span>그러나 이어지는 두 번째 자살 충동<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">. </span>나는 차라리 호흡을 의식하는 것을 중단했다<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">. </span>하지만 <span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">1</span>분도 버티기 힘든 극심한 고통이 나를 엄습했다<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">. </span>나는 다시 호흡을 의식할 수밖에 없었다<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">.</span></p> <p style="text-indent:10pt;"> </p><p></p> <p style="text-indent:10pt;">목을 매거나 자동차에 뛰어드는 것도 무리였다<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">. </span>몸을 일으키기 위해 팔다리에 의식이 넘어가는 순간 다시 숨이 막혀 쓰러진다<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">. </span>숨만 쉬는 상태로 얼마나 이 길바닥에 널부러저 있었을까<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">? </span>어쩌면 좋을까<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">? </span>좋은 생각이 났다<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">!</span></p> <p style="text-indent:10pt;"> </p><p></p> <p style="text-indent:10pt;">나는 호흡을 의식하는 가운데 심장이 박동하는 느낌을 천천히 의식하기 시작했다<span lang="en-us" style="font-family:'바탕';letter-spacing:0pt;">.</span></p>