Not having enough sex. This does not mean you need to head to the divorce courts. It’s the mismatch that matters. If you want more, or less, sex than your partner, that can cause problems. Otherwise, it doesn’t matter what anyone else does or doesn’t do, it’s what works for you as a couple. Unless there’s an underlying psychosexual or medical reason, a lack of sex is usually a symptom of a deeper relationship problem rather than the issue itself.

충분하지 않은 부부관계: 부부관계의 부족이 꼭 이혼의 사유는 아닙니다. 문제가 되는것은 부조합입니다. 특별한 사유 없이 섹스가 부족하다는 것은 아무튼 부부관계에 문제가 있다는 걸 나타냅니다. 

Spending time together. Date nights are not necessary unless you want them to be. But not having them does not mean your relationship is doomed. However, if we replace “date nights” with “spending time together”, that is important. It can be going for a walk, watching a film or cooking together. What it does is say “I’m making you a priority”. Otherwise there is a risk of disconnection. If you don’t make time for each other, you can’t know what’s going on with your partner and without that there will eventually be a loss of intimacy. What make you a romantic, rather than a purely functional couple, is being emotionally intimate.

꼭 밤에 데이트를 하거나 하지는 않더라도, 함께 걷거나, 영화를 보거나 요리를 하는 것 같이 함께 시간을 보내는 것이 중요하다. 부부라는 기능적 역할보다 감정적 친밀감이 더 중요하다는 내용 같음. 

Appreciation and gratitude. These are really important and if they go (or were never there in the first place) this can start to lead to one of the four bigger warning signs below. It’s not about the grand gesture, but small, everyday signs of appreciation. Saying, “I really appreciate how hard you are working for the family,” or even just doing things like making someone a cup of tea. However, in couples therapy there are the Gottman Institute’s “four horsemen of the apocalypse” signs, which are good to know about and look for. These are warning signs that we would look for in therapy that may signal a relationship where the problems go a little deeper and is in trouble, unless the couple are prepared to recognise and work on these areas.

Criticism. If you or your partner criticise each other habitually, you are attacking their personality. Over time, this will breed resentment. If one person is constantly criticising the other partner this can become a huge problem.

 

비판하기(제 생각: 잔소리하기): 서로 습관적으로 비판하는 것... 이게 누적되면 아주 큰 문제가 된다 - 개인적으로 아주 공감

 Contempt. This is the hardest to work with but not impossible as long as it’s named, recognised and both of you are prepared to work on it. But if one consistently looks down on their partner, is dismissive, constantly rolling their eyes at what the other says, mocks them, is sarcastic (and not in jest) or sneers at their partner, then they are seeing them as “less than”. Contempt can closely follow behind loss of respect.

무시하기(깔보기)

Defensiveness. If you can’t talk to one another because one or both of you are defensive, this can be a problem because you won’t be listening to one another’s point of view and, over time, you will switch off. Communication is key to working on any relationship problem – without that you can’t get anywhere. Defensiveness can lead to “blame tennis” where each person is just lashing out in defence: “You did this.” “Yes, but you did this.” You’re indignant and everything is a battle. You’re so busy defending yourself that nothing gets resolved. If you can stop, get some perspective and give each other space and time to talk and listen, you have a hope of sorting this out.

방어적이 되기: 어떻게 보면 공격적이라고 하는 것도 맞을 것 같은데, 상대방 과거 잘못을 들쳐서 현재의 나를 방어하는 것 등??

   서로 공격할 약점만 찾아낸다는 말 같아요.  

   

    

Stonewalling. This is when one person retreats, won’t talk, and will block the other person. It usually happens if the person stonewalling doesn’t want to hear what’s being said, either because they are afraid of it or can’t deal with it, or both. This can result in the person being stonewalled desperately trying to talk to the other; they may even try to trigger a row to get the stonewaller to react and talk. It results in an awful atmosphere and can eventually make the person being stonewalled too afraid to have any sort of discussion because they are afraid of the silent treatment. This then shuts down any hope of communication and reconciliation.

대화단절: 한 사람이 일방적으로 벽을 치고 이야기를 하지 않게 되면, 상대는 처음에 그걸 허물려고 노력하다가 결국 같이 벽을 친다는 말 같아요. 

상당히 공감가는 내용이라서 번역을 해 볼까 했는데 포기합니다. ㅠㅠㅠ

위의 7 가지가 어떻게 보면 부부관계 악화의 단계로 보이기도 하고요.. 그래서 Stonewalling은 거의 마지막 단계 같기도 합니다. 

저한테 해당되는 것도 좀 있는 것 같아 좀 슬프기도 합니다. 

• Krystal Woodbridge is a sexual and relationship therapist and trustee of the College of Sexual and Relationship Therapists. To find an accredited therapist, visit cosrt.org.uk