저의 경우 3년전 IELTS writing에서 7점을 받았고 최근 2년간 박사과정을 하면서 IELTS 스타일의 딱딱한 글쓰기/읽기만 주로 하는지라 영어공부 하시는 분들의 첨삭을 해드릴 수준은 되지 않았나 생각했습니다. 그래서 원하시는분들께 첨삭을 한번 해드리는 이벤트를 해봤습니다. 대부분 익명을 원하실텐데 익명으로 첨삭을 해드리려고 해도 네이버카페의 시스템상 비밀댓글이 안되기 때문에 카페에서는 할수가 없어서 블로그 독자님들중 3분을 선정하여 첨삭이벤트를 해서 첨삭한 결과를 모아봤습니다. 

채점은 정확하지 않은 저의 주관적 채점이니 그냥 참고만 하시면 될거 같고 혹시 첨삭내용중 틀리거나 더 나은 내용을 알려주시면 반영하도록 하겠습니다.

일단 시험삼아 해봤던 첨삭결과 입니다. 외모지상주의에 대한 에세이를 첨삭한거고요.

제시된 토픽은 아래와 같습니다. 선정된 3분의 원본/첨삭본과 함께 제가 3년전에 썼던 7점 수준의 예제도 첨부해놨습니다. 영어공부하시는 분들이 비교 해서 참고하시면 실력향상에 도움이 되리라 생각됩니다.

you would like to work overseas, write a letter to a job agent company

- What job you would like to apply

- What companies are you looking for

- Why do you want to work overseas

일단 첫번째로 주신 분의 결과입니다. 주관적인 채점으로 5점을 드리겠습니다. 문법과 스펠링실수에서 많은 감점을 받았지만 문제에서 요구한 사항은 대부분 다 충족하셨습니다. 혹시 필요하실수도 있으니 첨삭된 워드파일도 첨부했습니다.

Two whom it may concern,

First of all, thank you for giving me a chance to intruduce myself to your agent. I have been work for chef for 15 years now. Most of time, I spend in hotel to get a experience but now I work for embassy. Maybe it sound little bits weird that chef work for the embassy but what I do is prepare and manage luncheons and dinners for ambassador
's guest who is mostly VIP for embassy. That's why I would like to apply chef position via your company. I used work for Starwood companies so if I can get a job which is branch of Starwood company, it will be best but I'm also fine if I can connect with other intentional hotel brand. I got a Australia's PR 3 years ago and I couldn't move yet because of private reason. Thanks again for having chance to talk to you and I will looking forward your reply.

Best regards.
XXX

첨삭본입니다. 그림을 클릭하면 크게 보입니다.

두번째 원본입니다. 주관적인 채점으로 5점을 드리겠습니다. 전반적으로 내용이 일관성이나 목표성이 약해서 많은 감점을 드렸습니다. 

Dear sir or madam. 
I am Han, who has been introduced through my professor Kim of S University.
For additional information, I majored in International trade and Public administration and I am looking for any opening to work with government to develop trade as a government trade promote specialist. For the last three years, I have worked with KOTRA (Korea Trade-Investment Promotion Agency) and SBA (Seoul Business Agency) to promote Korea’s trade and machined with other countries sources in Singapore, Hong Kong, China and other countries. So I could say I have knowledge of Asia’s global trade situation. Since I study and work about this field, work for government affiliated organization is suitable for my work background and ability. For me, I can speak Korean, English and Chinese which is for understanding global situation and culture not only for the communication. In this career, work oversea is inevitable and I am happily bear any problem as a challenge. I am prepared person on the global stage through such kinds of work experience until now.
So if you have any country’s government affiliated trade companies opening which is fitted with and my career, please let me know. 
I am appreciate that you read my letter.
Sincerely, Han. 

첨삭본입니다. 그림을 클릭하면 크게 보입니다.

세번째 분은 6점을 드리겠습니다. 자잘한 plural form 과 preposition 오류만 없었으면 6.5도 충분했다고 생각될정도로 모든요소를 잘포함하셨고 내용도 잘 진행되었습니다. 코멘트도 전부 제안하는 내용뿐입니다. 원본이고요.

Hello, Sir. My name is XXXXXX. I am looking for a job relating logistics and overseas procurements. 

Firstly, I will summarize my job experiences. I had worked at logistic team of international company in Korea for 5 years. My main duty was chasing procurement process from USA or China to Korea. I had communicated with various partners to solve unexpected issue during the long delivery time. In the basis of the experience, I am sure to know what I should do for smooth logistic process. 
I would like to work a company which is located in global city such as Hong-kong, Singapore or Shanghai. As I can speak Chinese as well, I hope to work a company which needs Chinese and English skills. I believe many countries have been importing from China. I not only have languages skill, but communication skills. I am able to understand others opinion well and co-operate anyone with my inter-personal character. 
If you could match any companies with me, please contact. Thanks. 

첨삭본입니다.

3년전 IELTS writing 7점이 고정적으로 나올때 썼던 7점 수준의 레터. 이 정도면 7점이라고 생각해도 된다고 생각됩니다.

Dear Sir or Madam,

I am writing this letter to apply for a job abroad. To support this purpose, I send you herewith my resume.

I have been working for more than one decade as a software developer, and I am currently working for a semi-conductor manufacturing company in Seoul, Korea. I love my job, and I believe this is my vocation. Therefore, I would like to apply for some software developer positions.

Since my entire career is based on semi-conductor industry, I am looking for similar corporations in other countries. I am sure that my outstanding experience and competent ability would be highly in demand there.

The foremost reason why I plan on working abroad is to enhance my English skills. I would like to continue my career path as long as I can, and it seems to me a certain level of English is the best way to set myself more competitive than my rivals. Thus, I prefer companies in English-speaking environment, preferably the US or Australia.

I will be grateful if you can contact me the soonest time possible. I am hoping for your positive feedback.

Yours faithfully,

Kim