<div>*세시간 동안 급하게 완성한 개발새발 번역글 입니다..ㅠㅠ 이모저모 양해 부탁드립니다..</div> <div>*원래 테이프 시리즈를 번역하시던 분은 오유 아이디 [Emk]님 입니다.</div> <div>*검색창에 [아버지의]로 검색하시면 전편을 보실 수 있습니</div> <div>*전편에 대한 이해가 부족해서 혹시다 잘못된 부분 보이시면 댓글 부탁드립니다</div> <div> </div> <div> </div> <div> </div> <div> </div> <div> </div> <div> </div> <div>이 글을 클릭한 희망을 잃은 가여운 독자 여러분.</div> <div>여기까지 오게 됐네요.</div> <div>장장 몇 달에 걸쳐 혼돈과 의심, 공포의 여정을 따라오셨죠.</div> <div>해답을 찾지 못한 문제, 결실이 없었던 실마리도 있었고.</div> <div>분명 어느 정도 포기하신 분도 계실 겁니다.</div> <div>저같이 형편없는 글쓴이는 믿을 만하지 않으니까요.</div> <div>그런 생각을 하셨다고 해도 용서해 드릴게요.</div> <div>지난 몇 달 동안 범죄자를 인터뷰한 남자에 대한 복잡한 이야기를 읽으셨죠.</div> <div>처음엔 단지 호기심에 시작한건데.</div> <div>다음에는 어떤 끔찍한 이야기가 올라올까?</div> <div>이 글을 읽는 분들은 단순한 흥미에 끌려 이 글을 읽으셨을 겁니다.</div> <div>근데 단순 흥미 이상이 되버렸죠.</div> <div>제 말이 맞죠?</div> <div>계속해서 읽고 싶은 마음이 생기셨죠?</div> <div>거의 통제불능의 수준은 아니던가요?</div> <div>저번달에는 한 번도 글을 올리지 않았는데.. 너무 기다려지지 않던가요?</div> <div>최신 업데이트가 있는지 계속 확인하지 않으셨나요?</div> <div>아무나 붙잡고 결말 좀 알려달라고 하고 싶으셨죠?</div> <div>이런 증상을 중독이라고도 하더군요. </div> <div>그리고 유일한 치료제는 새로운 이야기 뿐이죠.</div> <div>새로운 퍼즐 조각이요.</div> <div>근데 솔직히 완성된 그림은 예쁘지 않아요.</div> <div>결론으로 가면 기분이 더러울 수도 있어요.</div> <div>미리 그 점 양해 드리고요.</div> <div>제가 그렇게 계획을 했던 부분이라서..</div> <div>이렇게나 많은 사람들이 같은 이야기에 빠져들었다는 건.. 운명이 아닐까요?</div> <div>이 부분은 제가 계획했던 게 아니거든요.</div> <div>당신이 태어나기 이전에 예견된 일이예요.</div> <div>마지막 하나 남은 테이프 내용을 올립니다.</div> <div>이건 아버지의 테이프는 아니예요.</div> <div>2016년 2월 15일에 녹화된, 어쩌면 제일 중요한 테이프인거 같아요.</div> <div>열린 마음으로 읽어주세요.</div> <div>다시 만나뵙길 바랍니다. 아마 그렇게 될 거예요.</div> <div>이 테이프 내용을 읽고나면 다음 편을 기다리시게 될 거예요.</div> <div>그리고 오직 저만이 그 갈증을 해소시켜 드릴 수 있죠.</div> <hr><div> </div> <div>(이 비디오는 나뭇잎 더미를 보여주는 장면에서 시작한다. </div> <div>나뭇가지를 지나 내려오는 장면이 지나고 나서야 촬영자가 2층 건물쯤 된다는 걸 알 수 있다. </div> <div>여자가 얕은 숨을 쉬는 소리만 들릴 뿐 화면에는 모습이 보이지 않는다. </div> <div>곧 창문이 보이고 실내가 어두운 덕에 유리에 카메라가 비춘다. </div> <div>카메라를 들고 있는 여자는 보통 외모에 갈색머리를 틀어 올렸다. </div> <div>커다란 격자무늬 치마를 입고서 다른 손으로 서서히 창문을 연다. </div> <div>카메라를 바닥에 떨어뜨려 쿵하는 소리가 난다. 곧 카메라를 집어 들고 문이 열린다. </div> <div>높은 각도에서 다른 방을 보여주는데, 벽 쪽엔 침대가 있고 그 위에 누군가 잠을 자고 있다. </div> <div>여자는 카메라를 고정시키고 화면 속으로 들어가 침대 옆에 선다. </div> <div>그렇게 가만히 잠자는 사람을 바라보고 두시간 정도 움직이지 않는다.)</div> <div>(잠자던 사람이 깨어나 여자를 보고 즉시 침대 반대편으로 굴러간다.) </div> <div> </div> <div><strong></strong> </div> <div>알렉산더: 아 시발 뭐야!!</div> <div> </div> <div>(남자는 팬티 바람으로 서있다가 담요를 집어들어 몸을 가린다. 여자를 보는 눈이 마치 귀신을 본 듯 하다.)</div> <div> </div> <div>알렉산더: 시발 너 누구야?</div> <div>알레그라(이하 알레): 나 모르겠어?</div> <div>알렉산더: 몰라! (침대에서 멀어지며) 너 여기 어떻게 들어왔어?</div> <div>알레: 창문이 열려있었어.</div> <div>알렉산더: 당장 이 집에서 나가, 안그러면 경찰 부를거야.</div> <div>알레: 글쎄.</div> <div>알렉산더: 당신 뭔데 이래? 이렇게 다짜고짜 남에 집에 들어오는 사람이 어딧어?</div> <div>알레: 그보다 더한 사람들도 있어, 알렉산더.</div> <div>알렉산더: (멈칫한다) 우리 아는 사이야?</div> <div>알레: 아는 사이면 좋지. 나는 너를 아니까.</div> <div>알렉산더: 우리 아빠랑 일해?</div> <div>알레: (차가운 목소리로) 아니. 미안. 우리가 같은 방에 있어서 너무 놀랐어. </div> <div>늘 내 안에 빠진 조각이 있는 걸 알았거든. 그게 너였어. 이제 온전해 진 기분이야.</div> <div>알렉산더(이하 알렉): 경찰을 불러야겠어. </div> <div> </div> <div>(알렉산더는 옷장으로 가서 휴대폰을 찾는다. 알레그라는 순식간에 그의 옆으로 가서 퍽하는 소리가 날 정도로 손을 세게 내리친다.)</div> <div> </div> <div>알레: 그럴 순 없지, 알렉산더.</div> <div>알렉: (손을 감싸쥐며) 당신 내 이름은 어떻게 아는거야?</div> <div>알레: 나도 몇 년이 걸려서야 알았어. 정말 이쁜 이름이야. 알렉산더. (이름을 한단어씩 음미하듯 말한다) 샘보다는 훨씬 나아.</div> <div>알렉산더: 대체 어떻게...</div> <div>알레: 나는 알레그라야. 별명도 몇 개 있어. 여태까지 델리아라고 불렸어.</div> <div>알렉: 이봐. 나 돈 한 푼 없어.</div> <div>알레: 돈이나 훔치자고 온 건 아냐. 알잖아.</div> <div>알렉: 그럼 원하는게 뭔데?</div> <div>알레: (머뭇거리며) 이야기를 좀 하고 싶어. </div> <div>알렉: 조..좋아. 하자고. 뭘해도 좋으니 해치지만 말아.</div> <div>알레: 널 다치게 하고 싶지 않아, 정말로. 그 사람들은 내가 그래주길 바라지만.. 내가 안할거야. 내가 더 세니까.</div> <div>알렉: 그 사람들이라니?</div> <div>알레: 모르는 척 하지마!</div> <div>알렉: 무슨 소리를 하는거야!</div> <div>알레: 미안. 혼란스러운 모양이네. 앉아서 얘기를 좀 해보자.</div> <div>알렉: 나 옷 좀 먼저 입어도 될까?</div> <div>알레: 아 맞다. 좋아. 부엌에서 기다리고 있을게.</div> <div>(알레그라는 카메라를 집어 들고 알렉산더를 비춘 뒤 복도로 향한다. </div> <div>화면에는 알레그라와 빈 의자 쪽을 비추도록 식탁 위에 카메라를 올려 두었다.)</div> <div>알레: (누군가에게 속삭이며) 아냐, 아직 안돼. 네 생각은 중요하지 않아. </div> <div>내가 그걸 모를 것 같아? 근데 나는 알렉산더가 필요하다고. 여자애랑 같이? 응, 나도 알지. </div> <div>둘 다 잡아서 나한테 데려와. 걔는 그냥 껍데기야. 나는 음 알렉산더를, 준비됐지? </div> <div>(알렉산더가 옷을 입고 천천히 조심스럽게 화면 속에 들어온다.)</div> <div>알렉산더: 누구랑 얘기하는 거야? </div> <div>알레그라: 일단 앉아.</div> <div>알렉: 여기 카메라가 있네.</div> <div>알레: 어.</div> <div>알렉: 지금 우리를 찍고 있고.</div> <div>알레: 어.</div> <div>알렉: 왜?</div> <div>알레: 아버지의 테이프를 들어봤지. 기록을 남기는 게 얼마나 중요한지는 너도 알잖아.</div> <div>알렉: 젠장. 아버지랑 관련된 일이군. 그럴 줄 알았어. 망할 테이프에서 벗어날 수가 없네.</div> <div>알레: 운명이야, 알렉산더.</div> <div>알렉: 그래서 뭐.. 당신 내 편이야? 아님 인터넷에 올린 글을 읽고 찾아온 정신병자야 뭐야? 아님 뭐 엄마인 척 하던 그 사람이야?</div> <div>알레: 전혀 그렇지 않아.</div> <div>알렉: 이렇게 내 집에 쳐들어온 사람을 그냥 믿으라는 거야 뭐야?</div> <div>알레: 나는 너를 도우러온거니까 나를 믿어야겠지.</div> <div>알렉: 뭘 도와준다는 거야?</div> <div> </div> <div>(갑자기 화면 밖에서 커다란 굉음이 들리고, 둘은 서둘러 밖으로 나간다.)</div> <div> </div> <div>여자: (화면 밖에서) 새미!! 그 여자한테서 떨어져!!</div> <div>알레그라: (혀를 차며) 너 지금 여기서 뭐하는 거야?</div> <div>여자: 샘! 그 여자랑 말 섞으면 안돼. 믿어서도 안돼.</div> <div>알렉산더: 여긴 어떻게 들어왔어?</div> <div>여자: 창문을 잠그지 않았잖아.</div> <div>알렉산더: 허. 아까 그 소리리네. 대체 무슨 일인지 설명 좀 해줘, 브리.</div> <div>알레그라: (웃으며) 아 그래, 브리. 니가 설명 좀 해 줘라.</div> <div>브리: 지금 당장 나랑 여기서 나가자. 위험해.</div> <div>알레그라: 순순히 데리고 나가시겠다? 실험실로? 무고한 사람들을 가둬 둔 그 보호시설이라는 곳으로?</div> <div>알렉산더: 브리, 지금 뭐라는 거야?</div> <div>브리: 지금 이럴 시간이-</div> <div>알레그라: 브리애나아아아아. 어서 말해주라니까. 네가 죽인 사람들에 대해 말해주라고. </div> <div>공원에서 그 네 살짜리 아이 기억해? 노란 풍선을 들고 있었지. 걔 엄마한테서 애를 뺏어갔잖아, 안그래?</div> <div>브리: 닥쳐.</div> <div>알레그라: 네가 뭔데 닥치라 마라야.</div> <div>알렉산더; 저기 우리 그냥-</div> <div>브리; 여기 이러고 있으면 안된다고!</div> <div>알레그라; 진짜 질린다 너! (속삭이며) 재 좀 처리해.</div> <div> </div> <div>(브리는 비명을 지르며 화면 밖으로 사라지고 알렉산더가 그 쪽으로 뛰어간다. 알레그라는 화면 안에서 서 있다.)</div> <div> </div> <div>알렉산더; 무슨 짓을 한거야?</div> <div>알레; 아무 것도 안했어. 걘 괜찮을거야.</div> <div>알렉; 브리가 의식이 없어!</div> <div>알레; 너랑 나랑 얘기가 끝나는 대로 치워줄게. 약속해.</div> <div>알렉; 내가 니 말을 왜 믿어야 하는데?</div> <div>알레; 왜냐면 걔를 죽일 수도 있었는데 안그랬거든.</div> <div> </div> <div>(몇 초간 침묵이 흐른다. 알렉산더는 조용히 화면 속 의자에 앉는다. </div> <div>알레그라도 자리에 앉아 서로를 노려본다. 둘은 무서울 정도로 닮아있다.)</div> <div> </div> <div>알렉; 좋아. 무슨 얘기든 하자고.</div> <div>알레; 고마워 알렉산더. 알렉산더라는 이름이 어색할테지. </div> <div>사람들이 널 이상한 이름으로 불렀으니 말야. 티미라든가 지미라든가. 왠 줄 알아?</div> <div>알렉; 친구들이랑 이일 저일 겪고 나서야 아버지가 날 보호하려고 그런 줄 알았어.</div> <div>알레; (웃으며) 친구들은 네 이름 따위 신경 안써.</div> <div>알렉; 그럼 왜..</div> <div>알레; 아빠가 너한테 다른 이름을 준 이유는.. 내가 널 못찾게 하려고 그런거야.</div> <div>알렉; 그럼 넌 누군데?</div> <div>알레; 네 누나야.</div> <div>알렉; (갸우뚱하며) 말도 안 돼, 지금-</div> <div>알레; 맞아. 너랑 나랑 부모가 같다고.</div> <div>알렉; 그래서 뭐, 나보다 먼저 태어나서 어딘가에 숨겨진 그런거야?</div> <div>알레; 바보같은 동생아. 우린 쌍둥이야. 살면서 공허한 느낌 든 적 없어?</div> <div>알렉; 무슨 소리를 하는지 모르겠어.</div> <div>알레; 내 안에 무언가 빠진 것 같은 느낌이 드는 이유가 뭔지 밤마다 잠못 이루며 천장만 쳐다보던 수 많은 날들.. 다 그 여자 때문이야.</div> <div>알렉; 누구?</div> <div>알레: 우리 엄마.</div> <div>알렉; (화를 내며) 그만 얘기하자. 우리 엄만 나를 낳다가 돌아가셨어.</div> <div>알레; (비웃으며) 아버지가 거짓말 한거야. 바보야. 평생 너한테 거짓말만 늘어놨지. </div> <div>쓰레기 같은 놈. 우리 둘을 없애버렸을지도 몰라.</div> <div>알렉; 잠깐만. 이해가 안돼.</div> <div>알레; 아마 이해가 안될거야.. 아마도..</div> <div>알렉; 잠깐만 있어봐! 아버지는 돌아가셨잖아. '친구들'이라는 사람들과 비밀 업무에 연루되셨다고 들었는데. </div> <div>근데 그 '친구들' 중 하나가 내 안에 있는 것 같았어.</div> <div>알레; 멍청아. 하나가 아니야. 수 백이야.</div> <div>알렉; 뭐라고?</div> <div>알레; 너는 전사야. (알레그라는 자리에서 일어나 주먹으로 식탁을 내리친다) </div> <div>아버지가 숨겨왔던 재능을 너는 모르고 있던 것 뿐이라고.</div> <div>알렉; 잠깐 진정해-</div> <div>알레; 네가 능력을 사용할 줄 만 알았더라도 지금보다 훨씬 나았을거야. </div> <div>우리 중에 '친구들'과 소통할 수 있는 몇 안되는 사람들이 있어. 땅 속에 있다던 그 년? 그 년도 '친구들'을 볼 수 있어. </div> <div>우리 엄마도 '친구들'을 느낄 수 있다고. 엄마가 목격자였어.</div> <div>알렉; 였다니?</div> <div>알레; 그리고 다른 사람들도 있었어. 근데 전사와 사령관이 가장 중요해.</div> <div>알렉; 내가 전사라니?</div> <div>알레: 그래. (앉으며) '친구들'은 너를 통해서 오지만 너는 그저 평범한 통로에 불과해. </div> <div>시간이 있으면 니가 통제할 수 있어. '친구들'의 능력을 네 의지대로 쓸 수 있다고.</div> <div>알렉; 그러니까 내 안의 '친구들'을 내가 쓸 수 있다 이 말이지?</div> <div>알레; 그렇지. 아버지는 너를 이용해서 '친구들'과 대화를 했었어. </div> <div>왜 '친구들'이 여기에 왔는지 알아내느라 오랜 시간을 낭비하는 바람에 그들이 어떤 힘을 가져왔는지 물어보질 못한거야. </div> <div>알렉산더, 네 능력으로는 산도 만들어 낼 수 있어. 도시 하나 쯤은 일도 아니라고. 제대로 배웠으면 무슨 일이든 할 수 있었을거야.</div> <div>알렉; 마치 '친구들'이 좋다는 식으로 말하네. 사람을 죽였다고!</div> <div>알레; 사람은 부산물에 불과해.</div> <div>알렉; 어떻게 그런 말을 할 수 있어? 우리도 사람이야. 인간이라고!</div> <div>알레; 그 보단 뛰어난 존재야 우리는. 내가 너무나 사랑하는 동생아.. 인간의 몸에 오래 있었나보다.</div> <div>알렉; 뭐라고?</div> <div>알레; 보여줄까? (카메라를 집어들고 브리가 누워있는 바닥을 비춘다.) 일어나. (브리가 갑자기 일어서고 미소를 짓는다.)</div> <div>머리카락을 뽑아. (브리는 두피를 벗기기 시작한다. 두 손에 머리카락이 가득 엉켜있다.)</div> <div>알렉; 그만! 그만해! </div> <div>알레; 알았어. 이제 그만! (브리가 동작을 멈춘다) 봤지, 동생아..?</div> <div>알렉; 사람을 통제할 수 있는거야?</div> <div>알레; 아니 '친구들'을 통제하는 거야.</div> <div>알렉; 그러니까..</div> <div>알레; (브리를 바라보며) 얘 안에 살고 있어.</div> <div>알렉; 브리를 놓아주라고 말해.</div> <div>알레; 아직은 안 돼.</div> <div>알렉; 나한테 바라는 게 뭐야? 내가 누나처럼 하라는거야?</div> <div>알레; 아니. 안그랬으면 좋겠어. 필요하면 해야 겠지만.</div> <div>알렉; 근데 나도 '친구들'을 통제할 수 있다며.</div> <div>알레' 응. 근데 네 안에 있을 때만 할 수 있어. 그리고 강제로 내보낼 수도 있고. </div> <div>알렉; 누나는? 어떻게 된거야?</div> <div>알레; 나도 좋았던 적은 없어. 너랑 나랑 역할이 다르거든.</div> <div>알렉; 누나는 뭔데?</div> <div>알레; 내가 사령관이야.</div> <div>알렉; 뭐라고?</div> <div>알레; 말해주고 싶은데 대신 나하네 약속 하나만 해줘.</div> <div>알렉; 뭔데?</div> <div>알레; 열린 마음으로 내 말을 듣겠다고 약속해. 진짜 열린 마음으로. 내 말이 진짜라고 생각해야 돼.</div> <div>네가 가진 편견은.. 아빠가 그렇게 키웠으니 이해 한다만. 그래도 내가 하는 말은 끝까지 들어야 돼. 할 수 있어?</div> <div>알렉; 아버지가 약속같은 건 하지 말랬는데.</div> <div>알레; 근데 아버지는 테이프에서 한 적이 있어. 기억 안나?</div> <div>알렉; 알았어. 약속할 게.</div> <div> </div> <div>(갑자기 화면이 휙 돌아간다.)</div> <div> </div> <div>알레; 고마워. 동생아.</div> <div>알렉; 이제 말해 줄거야?</div> <div>알레; 그래. 다 얘기해줄게. 우리는 쌍둥이로 태어났지만 정말 다르게 자랐지.</div> <div>너는 아빠한테 컸으니 나보다는 더 잘 알테지. 나는 엄마한테 들은 게 전부야. 그리고 엄마는 죽지 않았어. 살아계셔...지금은.</div> <div>알렉; 내가 뵐 수 있을까?</div> <div>알레; 아직은 안 돼. 말 끊지 말고 계속 들어. 아빠가 너를 보통 인간처럼 키우면서 자기는 평범한 직장엘 다니는 척 했었어. </div> <div>아빠가 계속 너의 정체를 숨기는 바람에 너도 네가 평범한 줄 알고 컸지. 근데 네가 모르는 게 있어.</div> <div>엄마랑 같이 살긴 했지만 나를 키운건 '친구들'이야.</div> <div>알렉; 뭐라고?</div> <div>알레; 엄마는 더이상 안계셔.(웃으며)</div> <div>알렉; 누난 미쳤어...</div> <div>알레; 세상에 나보다 제정신인 사람이 어디있다고. 유일하게 나만 '친구들'이 뭘 할 수 있는지 알고 있다고. </div> <div>나만큼 중요한 존재는 없어. 너만 빼고.(숨이 가빠진다.)</div> <div>알렉; 더는 듣고 싶지 않아.</div> <div>알레; 닥치고 듣기나 해. 사건들이 발생할 준비는 끝났어. 엄마는 그저 우리가 세상으로 나오는 통로에 불과했다고. </div> <div>지금의 내 형상을 만들어내기 위해 이용한 재료일 뿐이라고.</div> <div>알렉; 우리 엄마잖아!</div> <div>알레; 그냥 자궁일 뿐이야! 진실을 알고 싶댔지? 엄마는 우리를 병원 욕실에 빠뜨려 죽이려고 했었어.</div> <div>우리를 원하지 않았으니까.</div> <div>알렉; 왜 그런거래?</div> <div>알레; 우리가 어디서 왔는지 알았으니까.</div> <div>알렉; 이해가 안 돼. </div> <div>알레; 엄마는 너네 아빠를 사랑해서 결혼한 게 아냐. 겁에 질려서 강제로 한거지.</div> <div>알렉; '너네' 아빠라니? 어떻게 알았어?</div> <div>알레; '친구들'은 거주하고 있던 인간들 기억을 읽을 수 있거든. 엄마가 얼마나 두려워했는지 다 알고 있어.</div> <div>알렉; 왜 '너네' 아빠라고 한거야? 우리가 쌍둥이라며.</div> <div>알레; 맞아, 맞아. 생각해봐 알렉산더. 우리 엄마는 너네 아빠를 사랑하지 않았어.</div> <div>그래서 어떻게든 잠자리를 피하려고 했거든. 근데도 임신을 한거지. 이해가 되니?</div> <div>알렉; 정확하게 말 좀 해봐.</div> <div>알레; 우리는 위대함을 위한 존재야, 동생아. </div> <div>알렉; 나는 그런 놈들이랑 달라.</div> <div>알레; 우리가 그런 놈들이야.</div> <div>알렉; 나한테 원하는 거나 말해봐.</div> <div>알레; 아직도 모르겠어? 나랑 같이 하자는거지. 세상에서 가장 강력한 존재가 되는거야.</div> <div>얼마 있으면 모든 인간들이 다 잠식될거야. 우리가 그들을 통제하는 거지. 우리 운명대로.</div> <div>알렉; 제 정신이 아니네..</div> <div>알레; 이러지 마. </div> <div>알렉; 입닥쳐!</div> <div>알레; 후회할 말은 하지 마라.</div> <div>알렉; 아버지는 좋은 분이셨어. 사람들을 구하려고 애쓰셨다고.</div> <div>누나 눈엔 사람들이 그저 장애물로만 보이겠지. 완전 미친 싸이-</div> <div> </div> <div>(알렉스는 갑자기 말을 멈췄다. 하지만 입은 그대로 벌어진 상태다. </div> <div>양팔은 흐느적거리며 양옆으로 올려졌다. 알레그래가 자리에서 일어난다.)</div> <div> </div> <div>알레; 정말 실망스럽기 짝이 없네. 바보같으니. (알렉산더의 입을 닫아버린다)</div> <div>알렉; 기대를 많이 했나본데. (인간의 목소리가 아니다. 높은 고음과 낮은 저음이 섞여있다. 갑자기 고개를 들고는 미소를 짓는다.)</div> <div>이 아이는 약해 빠졌어. 엄마를 빼닮아서.</div> <div>알레; 인간들은 대니가 살해됐다고 알고 있지?</div> <div>알렉; 어. 그것 쯤이야.</div> <div>알레; 걔는 자살한거야?</div> <div>알렉; 내가 대니를 죽이라고 시켰을 때 썼던 칼로 목을 그어줬어. 얼마 안가서 숨이 끊어지더군.</div> <div>알레; 근데 너는? 지금 그 몸이 좋은거야?</div> <div>알렉; 너무 꽉 끼이긴 하지만 그런대로 괜찮을 거 같아. 나를 거부하는 게 느껴져.</div> <div>알레; 매번 그렇지 뭐. (손을 뻗어 알렉산더의 이마에 댄다. 전신이 흔들리기 시작한다) 어차피 내가 너를 여기가 가뒀으니</div> <div>알렉산더가 너를 몰아내지도 못해.</div> <div>알렉; 영리한 딸이야.. 착한 딸..</div> <div> </div> <div>(알레그라는 손을 뻗어 카메라를 끈다) </div> <hr><div> </div> <div>독자 여러분.</div> <div>얼마나 이 글이 불편하실지 잘 알고 있습니다.</div> <div>머리말에서 속이려는 건 아니었지만.. 이 글을 쓰는 제가 역겨우실 수도..</div> <div>알레그라가 여태 타이핑을 도와주고 있었어요.</div> <div>여러분에게 이야기를 들려주던 그는 이제 더 이상 존재하지 않습니다.</div> <div>이젠 내 안에 있어요.</div> <div>울부짖으며 흐느끼는 소리가 귓가에 맴도네요.</div> <div>가엾은 아들.. 약해빠진 아들..</div> <div>누나와는 너무나 다르죠.</div> <div>이제 마쳐야겠습니다.</div> <div>아 근데 빠뜨린 내용이 하나 있었네요.</div> <div>모든 진실을 말씀드렸지만.. 한가지 중대한 거짓말을 했어요.</div> <div>실은.. 우리가 인간에게 들어갈 때 눈물을 통하지 않아요. 그걸 믿다니 참.. 멍청한 인간들.</div> <div>우리는 단어를 통해서 들어가요.</div> <div>몇 달에 걸쳐 많은 단어들을 읽어주셔서 정말 감사해요.</div> <div>우리 숫자가 엄청나게 늘어났어요.</div> <div>당신들이 글을 계속 읽을지 말지 서로 잡담을 하고 있는 지금 이 순간에도요.</div> <div>우리는 점점 많은 인간들을 잠식하고 있어요.</div> <div>이 글을 읽은 당신들 중 누군가가 다음 차례예요.</div> <div>앞에서도 말했지만.. 이게 우리의 계획이었어요.</div> <div> </div> <div> </div> <div> </div> <div> </div> <div> </div> <div> </div>
<img src="http://thimg.todayhumor.co.kr/upfile/201510/1444748496223.gif" alt="1444748496223.gif">
There was no reason to expect it, despite the fact that it had been prowling in the back of my mind for a very long time.
When you leave behind one life for another, it is always with the expectation that you must learn to balance the two in some way, shape, or . Some people can make this transition smoothly, can integrate their memories and affections and damning sentiments into a new framework. These people are lucky. For others, the integration is rocky, consisting of the pushes and pulls of change.
And then there are some for which the two are mutually exclusive, where the past life is forgotten completely to make room for new possibilities. For those who choose this path – or are forced onto it by circumstance – the cost is usually negligible. Perhaps it is even desired.
To forget.
아주 오랫동안 가슴 한구석을 차지하고 있었지만 전혀 기대하고 있지는 않았다.
삶이 완전히 바뀔 때 언젠가는 절단된 삶 가운데서 어떻게든 줄다리기를 할 수 있지 않을까 기대한다.
변화를 무탈하게 하는 사람도 있고, 과거의 모습을 현재에 삶에 잘 녹여내는 사람도 있다.
운이 좋은 편이라고 할 수 있다.
어떤 사람은 변화의 격동 속에서 마구 흔들리기도 한다.
그리고 두가지 삶이 완전히 서로 달라 과거는 완전히 잊고서 그 자리에 새로운 삶을 채우는 사람도 있다.
이 방식을 택한 사람이 치르는 댓가는 그리 크지 않다. 어쩌면 가장 이상적일 수도 있다.
완전히 잊으면 되니까.
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I grew up in a small community. It’s nothing special, located in a corner of rural Minnesota, where nothing much happens and life for most people consists of the tending of cows and fields. It is the kind of place that goes unnoticed by the outside world, which suits the locals just fine, they don’t like outsiders, anyway. People like me know that very well. The town is obscure and unimportant, and one would never see it on the morning news unless something very, very bad had happened.
Well, that morning, it was on the news.
That wasn’t how I found out, of course. No, I was still in bed when everything started, sleeping, dreaming about sinking into my pillows and breathing in the cotton. I was startled awake –rather rudely, I might add – by the shrill beeping of my cell phone.
My alarm wasn’t due to scream for another hour yet, so you can imagine my annoyance. I sucked it up, however, and reached for the offending piece of shit, trying to bite back the choice words I had for the caller.
I glanced at the caller ID – Todd Inlet, cousin from my father’s side of the family. He was just about my age, though we were never particularly close. He, like most of his immediate family, had chosen to stay in the town after graduation, enrolling in the police force and spending his days writing petty speeding tickets and bitching about sports with his cop buddies over coffee. So why the fuck was he calling me at nine in the morning on a Wednesday?
“Yeah?” I answered, trying to keep the grogginess out of my voice and failing.
The response was more of a snarl than anything else, rocketing through my phone and assaulting my ear. “Taylor Denson.”
And just like that, I knew.
나는 미네소타의 어느 작은 시골 마을에서 자랐다.
특별할 것도 없고, 특별한 일도 없고, 작물을 키우고 소를 돌볼 뿐 그다지 특별한 일을 하는 사람도 없었다.
바깥세상에서 보기엔 전혀 눈에 띄지 않는 곳이었다.
어차피 마을 사람들도 외부인을 좋아하지 않기 때문에 적격인 셈이다.
큰 일이 일어나서 뉴스에 나오지 않는 이상 왠만해서는 이곳을 들어볼 일이 없다.
그런데 그 날 아침 마을이 뉴스에 나왔다.
내가 직접 뉴스를 보지는 못했지만 그 때 당시 나는 아직 침대에서 비몽사몽하던 상태였다.
휴대폰이 신경질나게 울려대서 짜증이 났는데 알람이 아니라 누가 전화를 걸고 있었다.
어떤 새끼가 아침부터 전화질인지 발신자를 확인해봤다.
토드 인렛, 친가 쪽 사촌이다.
내 또래이지만 딱히 친하지도 않다.
대부분의 친척들이 그렇듯 토드도 졸업 후 고향에 남기로 결정했었다.
경찰로 근무하면서 과속 딱지를 끊거나 동료들과 스포츠 중계를 보는 등 별볼일 없는 일만 했다.
근데 이 시바랄이 왜 수요일 아침 아홉시부터 전화질이냐고!
"왜?"
잠긴 목소리를 가다듬으려고 했지만 잘 되지 않았다.
들려온 대답은 혼란스럽기 그지 없었다.
휴대폰에서 튀어나와 내 귀에 꽂힌 한마디.
"테일러가.."
나는 바로 직감했다.
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I like to take my time getting ready in the mornings. I take long showers. I put on makeup. I try on my different outfits. I play with my jewelry. I use that time to feel ready for my day.
Apparently, when I need to, I can be out the door in less than five minutes.
When those words thundered in through my cell phone, the words I’d been waiting to hear for ten years now, I’d shot out of bed, pulled on some fresh clothes, brushed my teeth, ignored my hair, swiped my car keys, and ran for it.
I wish I’d been more prepared, but it wasn’t something I could bare to prepare for. It was an eventuality, but one that was going to break my heart, and nobody prepares for a broken heart, do they?
Taylor Denson.
It was only an hour to my hometown, but I expected to make it in half the time as my foot drove down hard on the gas pedal. I raced down the highway, hoping to avoid the cops or that they’d already been ined of my… situation. Any second of delay could be a second too long.
As I flew down the road, my mind flew back to a time when I hadn’t been so adept at hiding from my problems. Back to the root of the trouble from which sprang the future that I had grown for myself.
Back to Taylor.
* * *
아침에 천천히 외출 준비를 하는 편이다.
샤워도 오래하고, 화장도 하고, 어제와 다른 옷을 고르고, 어울리는 악세사리를 이것저것 대어본다.
하루를 보낼 준비가 됐다고 느낄 때까지.
그래도 빨리 나가야 할 때는 5분이면 충분하다.
토드의 대답이, 족히 십 년은 기다려온 바로 그 이름이 휴대폰에서 벼락이 되어 내리치자 마자
침대에서 튀어나와 옷을 주워입고 양치를 한 후 머리는 대충 묶어버린 다음 자동차 키를 챙겨 밖으로 향했다.
마음의 준비가 아직 안되었는데.. 그렇다고 준비를 할 수 있는 일도 아니다.
결국 내 심장이 산산히 부서지겠지.. 이걸 어떻게 대비할 수 있겠어?
테일러 덴슨.
우리집 본가까지는 한시간 정도 걸리지만 악셀을 최대한 밟으면 30분이면 갈 수 있는 거리였다.
경찰이 도로에 없길 바라며, 어쩌면 소식을 들었을지도 모르지만 어쨋든 고속도로를 엄청난 속도로 달렸다.
1초가 10년같이 느껴졌다.
도로 위를 질주하면서 내 기억도 빠르게 과거를 향하고 있었다.
내가 자초한.. 언젠간 터져도 터졌을.. 문제의 핵심으로..
타일러에게로..
She and I weren’t so different, and that’s what had been eating away at me for so long.
It was natural that we’d find each other. We were both considered outsiders and, as such, subject to the harsher treatment of the townsfolk.
For me, it was my mother. She was from out of town, and the whole community was in an uproar when my father married her. She wasn’t even from nearby – she was from about six states away, and heaven knows why the hell she chose to move out to the middle of Bumfuck, Minnesota, but she had, and so here I was. I couldn’t have missed the sneers and suspicious glares if I’d wanted to. And I didn’t want to. It was safer, to know that this wasn’t my home, this wasn’t a place I was welcome, only a place that I was forced to occupy until I could escape.
타일러와 나는 너무도 달랐고 때문에 나는 오랫동안 너무도 괴로웠다.
우리는 자연스럽게 서로를 알게 됐다.
마을에서 둘 다 외부인 취급을 당했고, 마을 사람들의 고약한 태도도 감내해야 했다.
나는 엄마 때문에 이렇게 됐다.
우리 아빠와 결혼을 하면서 마을로 오면서 큰 소란이 있었다.
근처도 아니고 여섯개의 주를 건너서 온 외부인이었기 때문이다.
그런 촌동네까지 뭣하러 오겠다고 했는지 이해할 수가 없다.
하지만 엄마는 선택을 했고 그래서 내가 태어나게 됐다.
사람들의 조롱과 냉대는 아무리 해도 피할 수 없었다.
그저 다 내려놓고 이 마을은 내가 있을 곳이 아니고 그저 탈출하기 전까지만 구속되어있을 뿐이라고 생각했다.
Taylor’s story was different, but the same in all the ways that mattered. Her family had moved into the community, living in what was little more than a shack on the outskirts of town. Her father was a laborer, worked a lot with his hands, which were always caked with dirt. Her mother sewed her own clothing from worn old scraps of fabric. Taylor’s clothing consisted of much the same, and the few times I went to her house I was able to tell that her nicest dress was cut from the same fabric as the drapes on the kitchen window.
Two little outside girls, living in a cold and quiet hellscape. It’s no wonder that we found each other. It’s no wonder that we hid from everyone else.
타일러의 경우는 조금 달랐다.
온가족이 마을로 이사와 가장 변두리 지역에 자리를 잡았다.
아버지는 노동일을 하셔서 언제나 손이 흙투성이었다.
어머니는 오래된 천을 직접 손바느질해서 옷을 지으셨는데 그 때문인지 테일러의 옷은 늘 비슷비슷 했었다.
테일러의 집으로 놀러갔을 때 보았던 가장 예쁜 옷은 부엌 창문 가리개로 만든 드레스였다.
지옥구덩이에서 사는 두 명의 어린 외부인.
자연스럽게 서로 가까워졌고, 자연스럽게 다른 사람들에 눈에 띄지 않도록 숨었다.
She moved to our town in the second grade. She and I found each other almost immediately. There was some sameness inside us that drew us to each other. I remember thinking that I could see it in her eyes, some kind of light that sparked when she glanced at me. Her eyes were my favorite. They were so comforting, big, beautiful. They were green, I remember, how could I forget? I only felt noticed, felt alive, when they were looking at me.
Of course, I also felt watched.
We became fast friends on her very first day in class. I knew it was something special from the moment she introduced herself to all the students and I found that I COULDN’T forget her name, not even if I tried. She was already inside my head, not by trying, simply by existing. That’s how I knew we were meant for each other.
Of course, sometimes these connections can bring as much misery as they can bring happiness.
As we grew older, the town hated us more and more. Of course they did – why would they hold any love for outsiders like us? My own extended family treated me with a strange distance that I had learned to understand at a young age. Sure, we wanted to be accepted, loved… but that could never happen. We had to find that love within ourselves. Within each other.
That meant, however, that we directed our hatred towards THEM.
It’s not that they didn’t deserve it. Anyone remotely different who grew up in a small town can assure you that the bastards deserve the hatred they receive. But the thing about hatred is that it’s a double-edged sword. It hurts the wielder as much as the victim.
Their hatred poisoned us, and it poisoned the love we had for each other. We held on to each other with a vise-like grip and, soon, began to feel strong enough to change something. To change THEM.
Madness.
We continued down our little hole of madness. By the time I was in high school, I was severely depressed and barely spoke to anyone who wasn’t Taylor. Taylor wasn’t much better, although her family didn’t really notice what she had become. We could find comfort in each other, though. A twisted of comfort that I can’t describe, even now.
Things changed one day halfway through our freshman year.
“They’re bastards – every last one of them,” Taylor said.
I mumbled an agreement. We were sitting in my room, playing video games, trying to forget the awful day of school we’d had – we’d been attacked walking to my house, not that unusual but I’d sustained a pretty hard hit to my midsection and it was going to be difficult to hide the pain from my parents once they got home.
“There’s nothing we could do to them that they wouldn’t deserve,” she said.
And that caught my attention. “Like… what?”
Taylor turned those eyes on me and they pinned me in place, our game left forgotten on the screen. “Think for a moment. Think about what they’ve done to us. All these years, they’ve tortured us, and they’ve enjoyed every minute of it. Haven’t they?”
It was true. It hurt, but it was true. “What of it?” I knew better than to think that we could fight back – I’d learned the hard way that we didn’t hold any power, and only the ones in power got to cause pain.
“Your father has a gun,” she said in a low voice.
That was the moment that everything changed. The moment I knew, the moment I made the decision…
That was the real moment I betrayed her.
Less than a week later, I had started at a new school a few towns over. No one knew me and the town was big enough that no one cared. They were kind. I was a bit strange but eventually I fit in.
None of us – my family and myself included – ever spoke her name again.
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That was where my recollection ended. As I pulled onto the exit ramp for our little town, I firmly put a stop to the end of the story. No, it had been over ten years since I’d made my decision. One that I knew Taylor could never forgive. I wasn’t going to replay it in my head again, not today, or at least not yet. I was sure that she’d remind me when I saw her, anyway, so why torture myself now?
Once I turned onto the highway leading into town, I was met with an escort. Two of the town’s police cars preceded me as we headed for the school.
That goddamn school.
It had been years since I’d been back, but if I closed my eyes, I could see everything as clear as day. The blue lockers lining the hallway, the cold linoleum floors, the front office with its glass windows that surveyed everything. I’d hoped that I’d never have to see it again anywhere other than my worse nightmares, but here I was. In less than an hour, probably, I’d be seeing it all over again.
She knew that this was hell for me. That’s why she did it.
Once we reached the school, I saw every cop car from the five closest counties lined up outside. Police dotted the area in multitudes but none of them seemed to quite know what to do – it was almost as though they were waiting for something. The parents standing outside were angry about it, too. Some of them, the ones that weren’t crying and having mental breakdowns, were screaming at the cops to fucking DO something already, Jesus Christ our KIDS are in there!
They didn’t know that the cops were waiting for me.
Todd was next to me the instant I stepped out of the car. He looked exhausted – being related to me does that, I suppose, especially when I am the one connection to Taylor that matters. Or, at least, mattered at that moment.
“Lily, thanks for coming,” he said. He didn’t mean it, but he didn’t really know what else to say. Like I said, we were never close. Not many people would willingly ostracize themselves for my sake, not even my own family.
I decided to cut the shit, because I just couldn’t deal with it that day. “No, you’re not, Todd, because me being here isn’t exactly how you all wanted this to go, is it? How the hell did you convince your partners of this? You and I both know this isn’t protocol.”
No, what we were about to do wasn’t protocol. And I knew damn well how he’d convinced them, but I wanted to hear it. I wanted to hear if he’d give me an honest answer or if he’d lie to me.
“There wasn’t any other option. She’s demanding it. She’s got kids hostage. Lily, some of them are only seven or eight! Besides, we… we are going to take every possible precaution.”
I listened as the lies spilled out of his lips like he’d rehearsed them and then realized that, probably, he had. I wanted to scream at him, no, you guys don’t give a shit if she kills me, it would probably be a godsend if I were to die in this fucked up situation, too. You’re sending me in because you want to punish me for having known her. Because you want someone else to deal with the mess that you unknowingly created. Because you can’t take responsibility, you goddamn cowards.
Instead, I asked, “Why didn’t you just send someone in to shoot her? You have men trained to do just that.”
I didn’t expect Todd’s answer, I’ll admit, and it froze me for just a moment. Of course, Taylor would know how to get my attention. “She’s… she’s holding one of them. Sitting in the front of the room with the kid on her lap, a gun pressed to his head. We couldn’t risk it.”
I had never actually seen Todd so shook up. He is usually the epitome of calm and collected – which helps a lot when you’re a cop – but he looked absolutely terrified in that moment. And in his eyes, I did see a flash of guilt for sending me in to deal with the situation. But wait, the guilt was something more, there was something he wasn’t telling me…
“You’re sending me in without a gun,” I said.
He didn’t try to dodge the question this time, he just nodded. “You’ll have a bullet-proof vest on, make no mistake, but she demanded that you come unarmed. If she thinks that you have a gun, we’re afraid that she’ll shoot the child.”
I nodded. “I think it’s for the best,” was my truthful answer. The details of that night so long ago seeped into my head and I thought to myself, no, I don’t want to die, but maybe I do deserve it. Maybe I helped them create this monster and now I have to go down with it.
The thought hurt, but it was true, and so I couldn’t deny it. Not anymore.
I wondered if my parents would ever forgive me for what I was about to do. I wondered if they even KNEW what was happening. Based on the fact that they weren’t here trying to stop me, I’d say the town had gone to great pains to keep my involvement a secret.
So I did what I had to.
I took a deep breath and, as the police force and townsfolk gathered around me to watch, I stepped towards the large glass doors.
And I remembered.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
They’d fitted me up with an earpiece and a microphone. I wished they hadn’t, I didn’t want them to hear what Taylor was going to say, but maybe it was for the best.
As I stepped into the school, Todd’s voice buzzed in to my ear.
“She’s in room 107. Do you know where it is?”
How could I forget? Ms. Anderson’s old classroom. She used to be the second-grade teacher. That was where Taylor and I first laid eyes on each other. Fitting, don’t you think?
I grunted my assent as I moved past the front office, walking down the main hallway, my eyes darting back and forth, taking in all the sights that I’d thought once to forget.
It couldn’t have taken me more than two minutes to reach the first hallway, but it felt like hours. Everything about this was so surreal. Were they really the halls that I’d run down trying to make it to class on time? They hadn’t changed at all, so why did this feel so strange? Perhaps I was the one that changed, or maybe I really hadn’t changed and that’s why everything seemed wrong. It was like stepping back into a past where I didn’t belong.
Where I’d never belonged.
I turned right down the hallway and spotted the room. It was four doors down and to the right. It was easy to tell that it was my destination because all the other rooms were empty, their doors hanging open as though they’d been abandoned in a hurry. The only room that hadn’t been evacuated had its door shut, glowing with a light that seemed sinister. As my feet carried me towards the door, I wondered if this was the last light that I would see. This sickly yellow that cast a jaundice hue on everything around it.
I reached the door and thought about my family. I should have left a note. I should have called them. I should have warned them. Because for the first time this whole day, I was absolutely certain that whatever happened in that room would end in death.
Taking a deep breath, I pushed the door open.
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One of the reasons that people go to high school reunions is that they can see how their old classmates have aged. Although, perhaps the age of reunions is over, what with the advent of Facebook. Still, you expect there to be some kind of change. So-and-so got fat, or rich, or super attractive. Something is different to let you know that time has passed.
Taylor looked exactly like the last time I had seen her.
She still wore grungy, second-hand clothing that always looked like it could use a wash. Her long brown hair and green eyes hadn’t dulled. She hadn’t grown or gained weight. She was just as she always had been, and she smiled at me as though she were happy to see me.
“I’ve been waiting for you, Lily,” she said.
I took a moment to take in the rest of the room, to properly assess the situation. The children were all seated silently at their desks, as was the teacher in the back. It was a man this time – a pity that Ms. Anderson wasn’t here to see this reunion. She’d always hated the two of us. She probably would have enjoyed watching us both die. At this point, I had no illusions that this wasn’t going to be the outcome. All that mattered to me now was making sure that she didn’t kill any of the students on her way out. I wondered if I could succeed in that, at least.
Taylor herself was sitting at the front of the classroom, a young boy huddled on her lap. He was small, even for a seven-year-old, and his eyes were wet with tears. He was shaking but his face was strangely calm, almost apathetic, and I knew right then that he was suffering from shock. He was going to need medical attention soon – looks like Taylor and I were going to have to wrap this up quickly. She seemed to be waiting for an answer as I looked at the child, so I gave her one.
“It’s been a long time, Taylor,” I said, and she smiled.
Todd’s voice buzzed in my ear like a mosquito. “Lily, ask what she wants.”
I shook my head just a little, even though I knew he couldn’t see me. I knew what she wanted, or at least, I thought I did.
“I suppose that asking you to forgive me wouldn’t help at all, would it?” I asked. Taylor gave me a sad smile and I continued. “I’ll take any punishment you want to give me, so could you let the boy go? You’re scaring him, Taylor, and you don’t want to scare him.”
“What makes you think that?” she asked, genuinely curious, and I paused, wondering if I had miscalculated the situation. “Do you know who this boy is?” She continued, sounding almost casual.
I shook my head. She smiled a little wider and her eyes gleamed.
“I don’t blame you, Lily. When I brought up your dad’s gun… I should have known you weren’t ready yet. I should have known you would be scared.”
A part of me piped up and, for some reason, it became imperative that Taylor understood the truth of what I’d done, and the reason behind it. “No, Taylor, that’s not right. I wasn’t scared.” Her brows furrowed as I continued. “Not for the reason you think, anyway. I… when you said that, when you opened up to me about your plans for revenge… I was excited. I was happy. More than anything, I wanted to do exactly what you’d suggested. And that… that was why I was scared. That’s why I asked my parents to switch me to a new school. That’s why I…” I couldn’t finish.
“That’s why you screamed at me to leave and told me you’d tattle if I ever tried to find you again?” She asked, her voice barely above a whisper. There was hurt in her eyes, yes, but there was also understanding.
“Yes,” I answered, “I wasn’t afraid of you, I was afraid of me, and what I would do. So I ran away.”
“You abandoned me.”
“Yes.”
“Did you… in all these years, did you ever think of me?”
My voice was breathless when I answered, “Oh, yes. So many times, Taylor.”
Her rueful little smile returned as she readjusted her grip on the boy. “Did you ever expect this?”
I considered lying, but she didn’t deserve a lie, even with what she was doing and what she’d become. “Yes, Taylor. I thought it might end up like this.”
“No… you KNEW it would end up like this.”
“…Yes.”
We stood there silently for just a moment. Todd’s voice didn’t come back in my ear, but I knew that he was listening intently. I guessed that he was shocked at what I’d just revealed.
Yes, I’d wanted to do this. I’d wanted to take revenge on my classmates and anyone else who got in our way. I’d wanted to do it with Taylor, and that’s why I made her believe I hated her, that’s why I’d hidden myself from her. That’s why I pretended that she’d never existed. Because if I hadn’t…
I shook the thought away from my head. It wouldn’t do any good to start thinking like that. I had a job to do, so I said, “Taylor, I know you want to hurt the people who hurt us, but these kids haven’t done anything to you. They aren’t the ones you want to hurt. Let them go, Taylor.”
She shook her head and a strange gleam entered her eyes. At that moment, those green orbs were the most beautiful I’d ever seen them… until she gave me her answer. “Ah, that’s where you’re wrong, Lily. These kids… they’re poisoned. Poisoned by this town and its people. And they’re going to hurt some poor kids just like we were hurt. You know it and I know it.”
“Taylor…” I didn’t like where this was going.
“No, listen. This boy right here. Don’t you know who it is? Look at his face. Look and tell me.”
I humored her and looked at him. Now that she’d said it, he did look a little familiar, but I couldn’t quite place him.
“It’s Amanda’s son. You remember Amanda, don’t you?”
It was a rhetorical question. How could I forget the name of the worst bully in school? Well, not that I hadn’t tried. I’d tried so very hard for so many years. And in the end, it came back to this.
“We can hurt her, Lily. We can hurt her and, at the same time, stop this town from poisoning anyone else.”
“Taylor, listen to yourself. This isn’t like you.” But it was like her. It was exactly what she’d do. And I had to find some way to convince her to let go of the gun or she’d do it.
And then, of course, the game changed.
I saw her shifting in her seat and I tensed… until she pulled out a switchblade and threw it towards me. I caught it and marveled at it, wondering what she wanted from me. Why did she arm me? I mean, a knife was nothing against a gun, but it still struck me as odd.
“Do you remember,” she continued, “the day that Amanda told everyone in school that you were pregnant? A little slut who fucked any guy who she came across? And she cornered you in the yard after school and mocked you until one of the teachers finally stepped in.”
Oh, yes. Yes, I remembered.
Taylor saw the flicker in my eyes. “Think about that while you do it.”
And she waited.
My eyes were shadowed in confusion as I stared at her. As I did what…?
And then I understood.
“No,” I whispered.
“Yes,” she answered.
“Taylor, I can’t hurt him. I can’t. You should know that.”
“You have a choice, Lily,” she continued. “If you don’t want to kill him, fine, then I will shoot every child in this room, him included.” The children gasped as she waved her gun at them in the air. The teacher at the back of the room blanched. My pulse thundered in my throat and, suddenly, I couldn’t breathe. “But if you chose to do as I asked, what I know you WANT to do, then there will only be three deaths today.” She gave me a pointed look as she asked, “Do you understand?”
And so I stood in limbo, staring first at the terrified face of the boy in front of me, then at those crazy eyes that were holding him in place, and finally at the captive audience that was beginning to tremble. I hadn’t expected this. I knew that she would kill me, yes, and I knew that she would die with me, but to make me an accomplice to murder… that was not a part of the plan that I had fashioned for myself.
That was so like Taylor, to come up with something so horrific.
I don’t know how long I debated because time seemed to cease in those moments, but the illusion was shattered when the teacher’s voice piped up from the back of the room.
“Do it!” He was trying not to scream and failing miserably. “For fuck’s sake, do it!”
No. No, all of this was wrong, no, I didn’t understand, I couldn’t understand. And the teacher just kept SCREAMING at me (“oh God please just do it for fuck’s sake it’s only one child just KILL HIM”) and everything in my mind was screaming, too (you can’t do it yes you can no you can’t it’s only one child to save twenty others but I can’t yes you can) and Todd’s voice came in over the earpiece (“Shit, Lily, don’t do it, don’t listen to her, we’re sending help in as fast as we can, try to stall”)…
And then I realized that, maybe, there was another choice.
I took a deep breath before I spoke, praying that this would work, please, God, let this work.
“Taylor… you know I can’t kill that child. There’s… a part of me that wants to. A part of me that wishes it could inflict the pain that I received on someone else, as though that would get rid of it. But it can’t. And I won’t. It’s better that I let that part of me die here and now. What you do about this is up to you, but I can’t play this game with you. I’m sorry, Taylor. If I hadn’t left… maybe none of this would have happened. I’m… I’m so sorry.”
As I spoke, I turned the knife towards myself. Suddenly, the world didn’t exist outside of Taylor and me. She stared and I returned it as I lifted the knife to my own throat.
“Lily…” she warned.
But it was already too late.
I dug the knife deep into my throat and gasped. Oh, God, it HURT. It felt like every nerve of my flesh was on fire and the blood that rushed into my throat only served to inflame it further. I could feel myself choking, but I couldn’t stop yet. It was harder than I expected, dragging the knife across my neck, cutting through so much muscle and flesh. But I had to do it. It was the only option – perhaps, without me as an audience, without me to participate in this act, it would become meaningless.
I dropped to the floor, the blood filling my throat, spilling from it. Fuck, I couldn’t breathe. What would happen first, I wondered? Would I die from blood loss or would I suffocate?
My thoughts were momentarily interrupted by a BANG…
And then everything went dark.
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I was beyond surprised to wake up in the hospital. Actually, I was pretty shocked that I had woken up at all. I was pretty sure that I’d dug that knife deep into my throat. Or had that all been a dream? I reached up and fingered the bandage around my neck gently. No, it had happened. Then, what…?
And then my parents were beside me. And they were shouting for the doctor and crying over me and it was so loud that I couldn’t hear anything. And Todd was there and why is Todd here what does he want? And Taylor, Taylor, Taylor…
“What happened to her?” I tried to ask, but no noise came out of my wounded throat. Another shock when Todd pulled out a pad of paper and a pencil. Handing it to me, he said, “You won’t be able to talk for a while, so you’ll have to use this.” He was giving me a strange look as I wrote out my question.
He stared at the pad a moment longer than it should have taken to read my message before he answered, “She’s dead. She… shot herself after you tried to kill yourself.”
I took the pad back. And the boy?
“She didn’t hurt him. He’s okay.”
How am I not dead?
“We were able to get to you before you bled out. We heard the shots and the screaming, we came in expecting the worse. Turns out she was the only casualty.”
That was all the further we could communicate before the doctor was in the room and tending to me. My mother was clinging to my side and weeping, and my father looked positively relieved, although there were shards of anger and hurt in their eyes that I knew might never go away. I only hoped that they would accept my apologies, or at least understand why I had to do it.
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My recovery wasn’t quick. It took a few months before I could really talk again, the flesh coming back together slowly and painfully. But eventually life returned to normal and I was able to go back to my home.
And so a year passed.
It was on the anniversary that Todd came back to see me. I guess I had been wondering if he would – you know, he and I still aren’t close, although I think he’s changed the way he looks at me.
When he came back to me, he had questions, as I knew he would.
“How did you know it would work?” He asked.
“I didn’t,” I answered. When that didn’t satisfy him, I said, “She wanted me to come back to her. When I tried to sacrifice myself, she knew that she’d really lost me. There was no point to her plan anymore.”
“Why didn’t you just stall for time? We could have…”
“No, you couldn’t have,” I cut him off. “If you had come in, she would have killed that child. You and I both know that. There was no other choice.”
“You’d sacrifice yourself for that kid?”
The answer to that was obvious, so he continued.
“Why?”
“Because… because I had a hand in making Taylor what she was. When she told me about her dreams of revenge, I should have told somebody. I should have done something. But I didn’t, and that means that I’m no better than the rest of you. I had to pay for my sins.”
For a long time, Todd didn’t say anything. We sat in my kitchen, drinking coffee, thinking about the past and the future and the strange turning of the world in between.
And then he asked me something I never expected.
“Do you think it’s over?”
There was a long pause as I stared at him, wondering. And then I answered.
“I don’t know.”
